you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Randomize
