he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
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