fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
that girl last night was a 15
wait she was 15?
no like black jack not sure if you should hit it
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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