hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
3 2 1 whiskey
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
God, I missed his penis.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
