she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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