I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
