Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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