can we get nightvision for the apartment?
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
