I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
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