If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
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