Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Randomize
