apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Randomize
