I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
I got her a Nickelback box set.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
