I could make wine with my vomit
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
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