also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
