just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
I would fuck him just for his dog
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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