fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
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