But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
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