Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
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