Swine flu. Run for my life!
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
Randomize
