I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
