chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
