call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
