Sober January is a disaster.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
