is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college