yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
I forget how to act sober
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
