Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Randomize
