I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
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