Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
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