I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
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