we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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