I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
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