I hate all girls vehemently.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
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