Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Randomize
