either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
I licked your asshole in confidence.
Randomize
