just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
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