Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
