Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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