seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Randomize
