At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Randomize
