just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
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