Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Randomize
