btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Gay?
German.
Pity.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
