if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Randomize
