Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Randomize
