He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
