Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
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