I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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