Where are you?
In a non slutty way
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize
