I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
People With No Siblings Will Never Understand These 23 Things
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
25 Seemingly Normal Things That Give Some People Massive Anxiety
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head