Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
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That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
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you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.