nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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