I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
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