He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
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