it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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