bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
