Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize
