Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
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