my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
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