You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
