Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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